Recently, life has forced me to live in the present, enjoy the past, and completely postpone any thoughts, hopes or designs for the future. But all that is about to – supposed to – change. It’s exciting and terrifying.
In 2013, I spent 40 days and nights in hospitals, as well as a handful of months of full-time, “adult day care” in clinics. Through 2014, another 10 days and nights in hospital beds and innumerable clinic visits, I forgot what it was like to work and be productive, creative, and vital. My only saving grace was the energy I could put into my radio show: Cracked Machine on BFF.fm. Other than that, Doctor’s orders were to stay out of the work environment, stay out of crowds, avoid flying, and sit tight for life to start anew. I was grounded.
Despite some “hiccups”, 2015 looks to be the year I’m finally given my privileges back. Things are brewing and I am forced to look ahead:
- I joined a gym and set up a physical trainer session for TOMORROW.
- This week, I’m going to meet up with someone to see if we’re compatible to play music. Really, this is a test to see if I can shake off two years of rust and play bass at all like I used to.
- I start a new job on January 21st – a job with the promise of upward mobility and personal growth.
- I can’t stop thinking in jokes and stand-up comedy material, and need to find an outlet. For those who follow me on Twitter, I apologize already.
- I’ve started to use a Jawbone UP24 to monitor and motivate myself to eat, sleep, and move in a healthy manor. A substitute for real discipline and inspiration, this wearable tech bit might just help pull me out of my slump.
Crabbing, fishing, camping, travelling, skiing, hiking… drawing, scuba diving, making ceramics, grilling, smoking meats, playing piano, writing words… There’s so much I want to do – so many things I’ve had to purposefully forget just to focus on surviving the last two years. And now the flood gates are barely cracking open, with me on the the other side. It’s impossible to deny the terror I feel that these hopes and ambitions I’ve already given wing to might up and disappear – that they might be taken away from me and I will be grounded once again.
People make resolutions around specific issues they have with their weight, behavior, careers, and aspirations. My needs reach broader than that – and I’ve never put stock in New Year’s resolutions. But I can say that I will be resolute in facing my fears of being grounded once again. I won’t stop in the name of fear, although it does haunt every step forward I will take. I will try to make the most of the opportunities afforded me. These are as close to resolutions I can muster.
It’s time to get back to life in 2015. The show is going to be great. The physical training is going to require much patience to get back to my former physical stature. Someone is going to laugh at my jokes or at me trying to tell them. Join me. Invite me. I’m looking forward now.